Toxic Narratives and Reactive Behavior: When unexamined assumptions and reactive scripts torch relationships. Acting on harmful internal stories or assumptions that diminish others instead of seeking clarity and shared understanding. A common tactic here that is very destructive to cultures and people made in the image of God is scapegoating.
One of my favorite holiday movies is the 1954 classic White Christmas. It’s a heartfelt musical that blends themes of post-war friendship, romance, and holiday cheer. The story follows Bob Wallace (Bing Crosby) and Phil Davis (Danny Kaye), two former Army friends from World War II who become a successful song-and-dance team. During their travels, they meet Betty and Judy Haynes (Rosemary Clooney and Vera-Ellen), a sister act, and follow them to Vermont, where the women are set to perform at a struggling inn.
To their surprise, the Colombia Inn is owned by their beloved former commanding officer, General Waverly, who is facing financial ruin due to a lack of snow and guests. Moved by loyalty and gratitude, Bob and Phil decide to bring their entire Broadway show to the inn to help revive its fortunes.
I am especially fond of the train scene! But, as much as I enjoy curling up on my couch and watching the film on a cold day, I am usually annoyed by one part of the storyline. The plot’s main conflict comes from a completely avoidable misunderstanding between Betty and Bob.
Bob secretly plans to air the show on TV. He and Phil want to use their celebrity status to organize a surprise tribute for General Waverly by inviting veterans of the 151st Division to the Columbia Inn on Christmas Eve. However, Betty learns of the plan through Emma, the housekeeper, who overhears part of a phone call between Bob and Ed Harrison, a TV host and Bob’s old army buddy. While Bob’s intentions are noble, Betty believes that Bob is capitalizing on the General’s misfortune to gain free publicity for his act.
Bob, unaware of the misunderstanding, is confused by Betty’s sudden coldness. Tensions escalate. Betty leaves the show angry and disillusioned. She heads to New York for another job, leaving their developing romance seemingly dead in the water.
Fortunately, everything works out when Betty watches Bob’s heartfelt TV appeal to the General’s former troops and realizes she misunderstood him. She returns to Vermont just in time for the Christmas Eve show, where she makes amends with Bob by giving him a figurine of a white knight on horseback, symbolizing Bob’s integrity and her renewed trust.
What bothers me about all of this is that it could have been avoided if they had spoken honestly with each other, suspending judgment and showing genuine curiosity. Betty clearly heard gossip, but instead of verifying the facts with Bob, she jumped to unkind conclusions. Bob kept Betty in the dark, instead of running the idea past her before taking any action. It was a simple misunderstanding, but they almost let it destroy their relationship and jeopardize the show that was meant to benefit their friend.
But lest I appear too self-righteous in my moralizing, I must humbly admit I make this mistake all the time. If we’re honest, all of us do! We observe others’ behaviors, attitudes, and actions, and quickly jump to conclusions about their motives, character, and values.
To some extent, this is quite natural and appropriate. Our brains are wired to evaluate any situation and determine the proper response quickly. It is a vital survival skill that highlights the efficiency of our neural functioning. It is part of the greatness of how God created us. If I’m walking down a path and see a snake coil up and rattling, I don’t need time to consider the snake’s motives or how we can both achieve our goals in this interaction. Nope! I hightail it the other way. I don’t even need a split second to think about that response.
Once, while in Montana, I was walking along a sidewalk and came across a bull snake, a completely harmless snake whose primary defense is to mimic the appearance of a rattlesnake. I’m not sure I’ve ever jumped so high! My internal reaction was, “Danger! This snake wants to kill me.” However, the snake simply wanted to be left alone to bask in the sun’s warmth. Of course, that was not a misjudgment that I regretted in the least.
But what God created in us for our welfare and flourishing can quickly become toxic and destructive in our relationships and teamwork. I call these Stories that Burn, the second of our Top 10 Culture Killers of Effective Leadership Teams.
We often believe that our judgments about people, based on what we observe and experience, are the objective truth. However, these judgments usually reveal more about us than about them. This is because the way we make sense of the world is shaped throughout our lives by various factors, including our culture, ethnicity, experiences, family and friendships, politics, education, gender, and even our biological and personality makeup. We carry all this baggage into our relationships and the judgments we form about others. Sometimes, these factors can genuinely help us make the right decisions, but often they are merely reactive and misguided. When that happens, they can harm people made in the image of God and hinder God’s mission.
We must not be naive about this tendency. We are all vulnerable to it and have all been hurt by it. Confirmation bias is a cognitive tendency where we favor information that supports our existing beliefs or expectations, while ignoring or dismissing evidence that contradicts them. When we encounter information of any kind, we tend to interpret it in a way that reinforces our existing views. We’re more likely to remember details that support our beliefs and forget those that challenge them.
We are not neutral in our assessments. Whenever we encounter information, we interpret it through our cognitive and emotional frameworks. We don’t react to what others say or do. Instead, we react to the story we tell ourselves about their words or actions. Our assessments and judgments might feel objective, which makes confirmation bias dangerous. However, they are highly subjective. If left unchecked and unexamined, this bias can cause serious problems in relationships and teams. Confirmation bias makes us feel more secure and confident, but it can also lead to overconfidence, poor decision-making, and resistance to change.
Recognizing confirmation bias as a real dynamic in our lives is the first step toward thinking more critically and objectively. However, we must go beyond mere awareness and establish practices and rhythms that enable us to examine our interpretations of others critically. We need to take a humble posture that helps craft better stories about others and what is important to them.
One simple practice I follow whenever I feel tempted to judge others unfairly (especially during conflicts) is to remind myself, “I need more information.” This idea implicitly assumes that most people, even those I struggle with the most, are generally well-meaning and act in ways they believe will serve their interests. What may appear to me as a bad behavior or attitude might make complete logical sense to the other person. They believe it is helping them achieve some goal or interest that we don’t yet fully understand.
Our role isn’t to assume the worst about them and damage their character or personhood in the process. Instead, we tell ourselves that gathering more information will help us understand their interests and reasons for their actions. From a stance of gracious curiosity, we can then acknowledge their interests and engage in thoughtful conversations that foster both win-win solutions and stronger relationships.
Another practice is called the SBI Framework, developed by the Center for Creative Leadership. It is a straightforward yet effective method for giving clear, actionable feedback to others that leads to healthy dialogue. SBI stands for:
- Situation: Describe the specific context in which the behavior occurred. This anchors the feedback in time and place.
- Behavior: Objectively state the observable actions without judgment or interpretation.
- Impact: Explain the effect the behavior had on you, others, or the outcome.
Here is a simple example of the SBI framework in action: “During yesterday’s team meeting (Situation), you interrupted me several times while I was presenting (Behavior), which made it difficult for me to communicate my points and left me feeling frustrated (Impact).” From here, we can engage in respectful dialogue that leads to a shared understanding of the situation and how we can move forward together, with greater insight into each other’s perspectives and how to work and relate more effectively. This structure helps reduce defensiveness, encourages reflection, and fosters constructive dialogue. It’s especially effective in leadership development, coaching, and performance conversations.
Our instincts, developed for survival, can sometimes mislead us in the complicated world of human relationships. When we rely on unexamined assumptions to guide our reactions, especially within leadership teams, we risk creating stories that damage trust, collaboration, and dignity. The good news? We have the power to choose differently. By practicing reflection, such as using the SBI framework, and assuming positive intent, we can change the stories we tell ourselves about others. Leadership based on curiosity, humility, and grace not only avoids causing harm but also builds something lasting. Let’s learn to slow down, gather more information, and embrace better stories that honor the people we lead.
