Avoidance or Mismanagement of Conflict: When tough conversations become harmful or are avoided altogether. This includes harsh confrontation, lack of explicit conflict norms, poor theology of reconciliation, and absence of due process.
One of the biggest oversights among leadership teams is how to manage conflict effectively. In my personal and professional experience, conflict is often the elephant in the parlor. We all know it’s unavoidable, but we tend to treat it as just an annoying obstacle we must get past so we can get back to what truly matters. I must admit, I dislike conflict! I’m a nine on the Enneagram, the Peacemaker, which means that my top priority in relationships is harmony at any cost, even if I have to avoid conflict or entirely absorb its punches myself. Neither of these approaches is very healthy, as I’m learning.
Jesus told his disciples in Matthew 18:20, “For where two or three are assembled in my name, I am there among them” (NET). His point was that communal discernment, especially during moments of discipline for wayward members, would be guided by his Spirit. However, my experience is that when two or more people gather, there will be clashes and disagreements! How do these two realities align? Could it be that the Spirit of Jesus resides within relationships, even during conflict? Could it be that Jesus is leading us into conflict to help us grow individually, interpersonally, and as a community? Maybe conflict isn’t the enemy of mission. Maybe it’s a place where he’s already working. Perhaps it’s the chance through which human creativity and relationships—those two aspects of what it truly means to image God—are expressed and experienced.
If that’s true, then we must reform how we look at conflict. Conflict has the potential to redeem and recreate. It is rich with potential to expand the horizons of mission and deepen friendships.
But conflict also has tremendous potential for destruction. We’ve all experienced that, perhaps even more often than we’ve experienced healthy conflict. Because conflict tends to activate our most basic survival instincts (fight, flight, or freeze), I often say that conflict is the Wild West of human relationships. We enter conflict with a messy mix of inclinations influenced by our experiences, personalities, and cultural backgrounds. If we have type A personalities, then even a hint of conflict triggers our need to dominate, confront, and win. If we come from high honor-shame cultures, then we try to save face, for ourselves and others, at all costs. If we are more sensitive, we tend to avoid conflict. Conflict is not neutral; it is a highly charged space where anything can happen.
This is what I call Conflict Without a Compass. Without a compass to guide us, conflict destroys our leadership teams as they navigate their contexts to build a common direction, alignment, and commitment to their mission. Productive, redemptive, and mission-transforming conflict needs a compass.
Two aspects of the compass will guide our conflicts to cultivate effective leadership team cultures. These are:
- A strong narrative theology of reconciliation that anchors our conflicts in God’s mission.
- An explicit agreement on team practices and norms that will guide our conflict management behaviors.
A compelling narrative theology of reconciliation can inspire us to pursue a higher purpose in our conflicts. The Spirit of Jesus calls us to join his global mission of redemption. And the specific context in which he wants us to live this out is within the particular conflicts we experience! Listen to what the apostle Paul teaches the church in Corinth (a church full of problems!):
“So then, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; what is old has passed away – look, what is new has come! And all these things are from God who reconciled us to himself through Christ, and who has given us the ministry of reconciliation. In other words, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting people’s trespasses against them, and he has given us the message of reconciliation.” (2 Corinthians 5:17-19)
What a powerful vision! Our conflicts and disagreements are part of a greater purpose! This means that our main task during conflict is reconciliation. I have observed the destructive and dehumanizing attitudes present in many workplaces, implying that conflicts are distractions from or irrelevant to the real work. God’s call to reconciliation reaches out to us through the very experiences of our relationships, especially within our teams. If we are not reconciled to each other, our ability as a team to do the vital work of leadership in the community is hindered and limited. The idea of simply “getting back to work and acting professionally” is dismissive, misguided, and incorrect (we’ll discuss this more in the upcoming blog on “Foggy Norms & Frayed Trust”).
My challenge is that our mission and its work must always prioritize reconciliation between people. “Business-as-usual” posturing in the face of team conflicts mocks God’s redemptive purposes through these conflicts. Making space for reconciliation honors God.
And it honors the people we work with. It recognizes their concerns, obstacles, values, and interests. Our team members see the mission and work through the lens of where they sit within the organization. When they raise concerns and issues, it comes from their lived experience. We must listen and strive to understand them, to see them. Otherwise, we deprive ourselves and our team of the chance to learn and build stronger relationships that lead to greater missional potential in the future.
This highlights the second key aspect of a conflict compass: establishing explicit agreement on team norms and practices to guide conflict. Without a compass, conflict becomes the Wild West of team dynamics, where everyone does what is right in their own eyes. We need to discuss and document the team’s agreement on how to handle conflict when it occurs. This ensures everyone on the team is on the same page and helps reduce extreme, toxic reactions like fight (aggressive confrontation) or flight (avoidance or passive-aggressiveness).
Even Jesus established a community rule for his disciples to handle conflict in Matthew 18. His goal was for them to stay humble and open to the Spirit’s guidance as they work through disagreements together.
A helpful model for team conflict is the Dealing with Difference Model:
If we approach our teamwork with a personal entry posture of openness, trust, acceptance, and adaptability, we are more likely to navigate the inevitable storms positively and proactively. We will be curious and ask appreciative questions. We will learn to value our differences as gifts God gives us that help us move our mission forward. We will cultivate understanding and empathy so we can serve one another well. This approach enhances our team’s ability to make a meaningful impact. But if we approach our teamwork with suspicion, superiority, fear, or prejudice, then we are likely to emerge from the storms with broken relationships, alienation, and withdrawal.
We must establish norms and practices that help the team navigate these storms with a healthy, open, and humble attitude. Conflict With a Compass ensures that we stay receptive to what God is doing in the conflict, while valuing differences and seeking to address each other’s interests. Our goal is to build our team into a reconciling community that improves our ability to discern and innovate for the sake of our mission and the world God desires to redeem through his good reign.
